Saturday, August 10, 2002

I'm looking forward to this evening, spending some time with my Better Half. Things have been kind of tense with us since we got back from Canada. I know it's been hard for me to understand how he had such a great time. I think it's hard for him to understand that my experience was vastly different from his. I told Marian about the Ride That Pony incident, which involved some people standing in a circle, and the object of the game was to run up to a person, most of the time it was of the opposite gender, and bump and grind them while chanting a song about riding a pony. I wasn't in a grand mood to begin with that night, so I hung back, but John, Dave and Jeff jumped in. After about 10 minutes of watching girls run up to John bumping and grinding with him, I had to walk away. I admit I was jealous and resentful because he seemed to think it was fun. I wandered away and managed to pull myself together. After 10 more minutes, it stopped. It wasn't until we got back that I told him how I felt, and he was suprised and said he was really sorry, and that he wouldn't have done it if he'd known it had bothered me. I believe him, and I know he wouldn't do something like that to deliberately hurt me.

Another incident I'm not so proud of was this time we were on the bus and he was stoked because he met people from the last WYD, and one of the girls had a button that said WAWA on it, named for the Canadian city in Ontario as well as one of my Better Half's favorite NJ based convienence stores. He offered to trade the bracelet I knitted for him for the pin. I admit it was late and I was tired and cranky and my self esteem issues were at their peak. I was also very very very pissed. When we were getting off the bus, I turned to him and asked him, "You don't like your bracelet honey?" and when he told me "Oh no, I love it!" I told him rather nastily, "Well, if you had given it to her, you wouldn't have gotten another one." To which he was totally taken aback and I realized I was being a megabitch and immediately apologized.

Needless to say, I wasn't doing much for girl power. I was in an awkward position, being the girlfriend of the troop leader, as well as the only girl in the group. It's a role I am not interested in playing again, as I felt I constantly had to keep myself in check so as not to appear as a psycho hosebeast and thus disturb the cohesion of the group, because we really needed each other and we didn't need excessive drama or tension. I think our group was really good about being respectful of each other and putting the needs of the group ahead of our own interests. I was really glad that David and Jeff got to see the Papal Mass.

I am starting to think exhaustion is getting to me. Gotta go now. Very tired.

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