Thursday, July 21, 2005

The FiFi and Rusty Show

Since we don't have cable to occupy our minds anymore, John and I have decided that since FiFi and Rusty get along so well (they were so funny together at the river) they should have their own community access show. It would be called The FiFi and Rusty Show, and we're thinking it would be a sort of Conan O'Brien meets Wayne's World meets Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp (in that the majority of the cast are animals with voice overs), and of course it would be funny as hell.

We're thinking that Fee should be the main host, with Rusty as her Andy Richer-esque second banana. Of course, my sister's dog Daisy and my mom's dog Lucy will be involved too...we're thinking of having Daisy be the equivalent of Stuttering John or Elliot in The Morning's Flounder- sort of the toady that F&R will send out to do stupid things, like go bungee jumping or stand out in the middle of a hurricane, or go to WWE and go a few play rounds with special guest WWE Superstar Adam "Edge" Copeland. Lucy will be the bandleader, who also has an incurable crush on now-reinstated WWE superstar Matt Hardy, which will resemble the whole Rosie O'Donnell/Tom Cruise thing, before Rosie became Angry Rosie and Tom became Captain Insano, The Lover of Jailbait.

Of course, there will be spots for humans as well. Most of the guests will be celebrites, and already we've thought up a segment featuring John's nutritional guru mom (whom Fee refers to as "Nana") and anti-hippie comic genius Patton Oswalt, which will be entitled, "Cooking With Nana and Patton Oswalt." It will be a sort of culinary Hannity and Combs, but sort of cute because both characters are really sweet and endearing:
NANA: Today Patton and I are making a delicious vegetarian soy steak with no trans fats, which can be very bad for you. Patton, your thoughts?
PATTON: Well, Gail, I'd like to think that everytime I eat steak, a hippie's hacky sack goes into the sewer.
NANA: Patton, you want any Silk Chai?
PATTON: Oh, yes, thank you!
NANA: FiFi and Rusty, back to you!

We can't wait to start pre-production.

Monday, July 18, 2005

I NEVER thought I'd say or think this, but...

Things I don't miss about having cable, and thus most likely will not pursue getting cable again for a LONG time:

1) Comedy Central. Thought I really would miss this, but the transition has been kind. The King of Queens perfectly satiates my Patton Oswalt fix.

2) VH1, which has now become MTV's bastard "play-no-more-videos" cousin. Not really interested.

3) The cable news networks, that specialize officially in "beating a dead horse." I find that the BBC news on PBS rocks hard.

4) Reality TV. Although it's true that reality TV is on network TV, it's still nice not to be subjected to the hell that is endless commercials for "My Hilton Son Needs Hulk Hogan's Brat Camp so He Can Be The Next Rock Star: INXS." Seriously, VH1 is so guilty of whoring their reality shows each and every commercial break. Buh-bye!

5) Cartoon Network. Like Comedy Central, I thought this would be the next one I'd miss the most. But with Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sea Lab, and Family Guy out on DVD, it's been easy to grieve.

6) Because PBS f-cking rocks! Amazing. Antiques Roadshow...American Masters...Operatunity...NOVA. Good stuff, really good stuff. Also, it has nice programs on during the day for the kiddies, so I know I can leave the TV on for Fee and she not have to be subjected to the endless fart joke that is Nickelodeon programming. I believe all three of us have regained a few IQ points because of PBS.

7) WWE Raw on Spike. Oh, no...wait- we still got this! We have my mom and dad tape it for us each week. We give them blank tapes, and on Tuesday nights we sit down and indulge. They don't seem to mind because once in a while I'll drop off Feefer at their house for a night or two to help compensate. So far, it's a really good arrangement.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Love and Peace

Yeah, making funny comments about wrestling and comedians and my dog is cool and all, but when there is real shite going on in the world, I'd also like to think that this site can be used in a positive light.

In the past few months since I started seriously studying pacifism, I've realized that the actual practice is so much more difficult than I had imagined. Global political big stuff aside, it's the day-to-day stuff, my own opinions, thoughts, etc., that surprise me the most. Signing "love and peace" as my closing to letters simply isn't going to cut it. Violence and disregard for brothers and sisters runs rampant in our culture these days.

This morning, having had a couple of hours of precious free time that, for the past two weeks has escaped me, I watched a documentary on Mother Theresa. Although the tape has been in my possession for years, I want to say I've watched it twice. Granted, it was a Lifetime (Supply of Maxi-pads...hey, I can't help myself...humor is humor, even during a peace rally) Channel Intimate Portrait, it was really well done and for the most part, accurate as to the sacrifices and tremendous faith of a small woman who just wanted to serve anyone who needed it, and do so in a peaceful way. Although she was surrounded by caos, sadness, unspeakable grief, pain and agony of those she was serving, she required herself and her sisters to practice their vocation with great joy.

It made me humbly realize that there is a lot of work to do.

This is also the first time, for reasons I'm not sure of, since I usually like to be on the cutting edge of things, that I've posted about the horrific sadness that occurred in London on July 7. I am sorry for them and am sending thoughts of love and peace to them on a regular basis. As far as an eloquent speech about it, I really can't disagree with this, which is the official statement of Pax Christi, the Catholic Peace Movement. I think they can say it better than I can. When I come up with something good, I'll let you guys know. Until then, I'll stick with my traditional: '
Love and peace!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


Brilliant. Just plain brilliant.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Let's Recap: Patton Oswalt- Cool, Edge- Cool, FiFi- Extremely Cool, Matt Hardy- Still An Undapant!!!

What a turd. Grow up, dude.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Matt Hardy is an Undapant

Okay, I for one am really really tired of this guy.

Matt needs to have a good cry, read Mia Farrow's What Falls Away, and as my boss Lurraine says, put on his big boy panties and get over it.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Reasons To Be Happy Today...

1) I successfully programmed my parent's VCR to tape WWE RAW last night, when it was originally thought that we wouldn't be able to watch it (they're on vaca, we don't have cable, etc.)

2) Tonight, unlike 3 other nights this week, I am not oncall. Although, last night, I was oncall, and it wasn't bad.

3) Because watching movies like Alice's Restaurant and Imagine: John Lennon on Fourth Of July with my really super cute fiancee makes me really happy.

4) FiFi went potty on her puppy pad, sparing the living room floor.

5) That my dear friend Jim not only survived cancer, he kicked it's tumor-y weak punk ass!!!

and the most incredible reason of all:
5) Because PATTON FUCKING OSWALT wrote me back!!!!

A bit of backstory- Patton made some comments about Live 8 at a show recently, basically bashing it as a hippie fest. So I shot him an email last night with a high amount of praise:

on 7/4/05 8:28 PM, Jennifer Smith at wrote:
Subject: A GWAR-lovin' Hippie In Richmond VA Loves You, Patton Oswalt!

Dear Patton,

AWESOME comments about the Live 8! To be honest, when I saw highlights of it (couldn't stomach the whole thing) I couldn't stop thinking that somewhere, you and David Cross were taking seriously funny-arse punches at that turdfest. I just wanted Richmond-based thrash band GWAR to make an appearance and start bloodletting. I mean, I am a huge tye-dye wearin, Grateful Dead listening, peace and lovin hippie, but bullshite is bullshite. Again, thanks for being really really funny, and releasing a CD so I can listen to it as I toddle around the great metropolis that is Richmond visiting terminally ill patients (I'm a hospice nurse) and always feel happy.
Thanks again,
Jenn, RN in Richmond VA

To which I got this response:

:: Wowa hospice nurse into GWAR. Now I’m in love...


Yeah, beatches, you read it here- Patton Oswalt, star of stage and both large and small screen, LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Take that, St. Bridget's bitch girls who made my life a living hell in grade school! Whaddya think of that, punks??? Huh? What have you got to show for your miserable lives??? A couple of pregnancies, you low-paid cubicle jockey soccer moms? I got me Patton Oswalt. Suck on That!!!


Monday, July 04, 2005

Shut Up, Open Your Big Wallet And Just Feed The Damn World...Please?

We spent the weekend at John's parents' river cottage near Reedville, which was great. While we were there, we were able to catch some of the coverage of the Live 8 concert. To be honest, I'd only had heard bits and pieces about it, and never really connected to it that it was related to the actual kick-ass Live Aid concert, in that it was organized by Bob Geldof. Unfortunately I was disappointed about this concert for a number of reasons, and feel it's a disservice to Live Aid by being associated with it. Not that Live Aid was the be-all, end-all, and to be honest, half of the rock stars in the "Do They Know It's Christmas" look really bored and unaffected, like Geldof guilt tripped them into coming, but that's a different story for a different day (I swear, Bananarama look like they're about ready to fall asleep. Watch it sometime, you'll see what I'm talking about). Live Aid was sort of in-your-face about "We need money. You have it. Send it." and people did. That was cool. This concert, however, was meant to "raise awareness to the people and to the prominent politcal leaders who were to begin the G8 Summit next week." That meant that rock stars like Will Smith came out onstage and gave us sad factoids like: every three minutes, an African baby dies, and stuff like that. And Dave Matthews told us that we could just make a difference by making our friends aware of the poverty in Africa.

That's nice and all, but got news for you: awareness and good vibes don't put food into the bellies of starving African babies. Call me a heartless corporate whitey bastard, but I'm of the philosophy that money and skillful political negotiations are more effective. I mean, it's really nice to have a free concert, and to see Annie Lennox and Joss Stone and Destiny's Child interact with the African Children's Choir onstage and everyone's happy and smiling as Madonna sings to a beautiful African teenage girl who was sort of the poster child for those children who survived the devastating famine (she was the girl in white who was paraded around rather shamlessly) and everyone had a really nice time at Will Smith's pre-concert party at Spago, but this whole thing sort of left me feeling empty. Plus, a lot of the musical acts really sucked. I kept thinking "WWGD?" (What Would GWAR Do? The answer: mass decapitations, that's what!) and finally stopped watching after Pink Floyd's set was cut into by MTV (bastards!). Most likely will not be buying this DVD- I'll take a gamble and send the check directly.

The All Day Throwing of The Goat

2005 was the first year of the Revolver Sounds of The Underground Tour, and for the date in Portsmouth, Lamb of God was headlining, and their special guests were GWAR. This prospect made attending the tour very attractive to us, especially John, who is, literally, a card-carrying GWAR fan (it's in his wallet). So, with our friend Matt in tow, we trekked to Portsmouth yesterday in hopes of getting a great show.

We weren't disappointed. First of, it was really, really hot, and so our first stop was to the concession stand to get mass quantities of water. The bands had already started playing, and each band would have the opportunity to have about a 30 minute set. GWAR was slated to take the stage at about 5:15PM, and then two other bands that Matt and John recommended, Clutch and Opeth, were slated to go on a bit later, around 8-9. The coolest thing about this tour was that each band did a meet and greet. As we were coming in we practically smacked into the guys from Norma Jean, signing autographs. They were right next door to the GWAR merch tent, so we wandered over there, where John proceeded to buy a flask, some dog tags, and a T-shirt that he planned to have the guys sign when we came back for their meet and greet at 3:15PM.

We spent the first couple of hours people watching, and you got an eyeful of some of the characters on display. All types of tats, piercings, and fashion (although the majority donned black leather and metal concert Ts). A lot of Dimebag Darrell tribute Ts, mainly the bands like Pantera, Killswitch Engaged, Mastadon, Atreyu. The crowd was for the most part, youthful, a lot of high school and college, with some older people. It was pretty diverse, some guys who looked kind of fratish, some looked like they'd stopped by Hot Topic on their way in. But I was struck as to how really nice, friendly and cool most of the people I interacted with were. Each time I went to the bathroom, someone new would talk to me, which is rare at an all ages show. All the bands were really cool too, no sign of the "rock star" bullshit that so many of these things contain.

GWAR's meet and greet was fun, featuring Oderus and Beefcake, who happily signed my poster, John's Tshirt and his GWAR slave membership card, which he flashed to the other guys in line gleefully, and Matt's shirt. When their set started, John and Matt got up at the front of the stage, and I sat in the DORK section (the ampitheatre had a floor set up for the rabid fans, while their parents and others who just wanted to sit and chill and listen to music could indulge without worrying about getting moshed around) so that I could observe without getting drenched in fake serosangunious "bodily fluids," that are the staple at any GWAR show.

GWAR blew me away- not only are they very stimulating and politically edgy, friggin funny as hell, and push the envelope in so many ways...they're also friggin great musicians. At the end of the set, Oderus (the lead singer) launched into a verse of Danzig's "Mother" and sounded just like Glen Danzig. They decapitated The Pope, George Bush, and a monster named Bonesnapper, who kinda resembled Barney The Dinosaur, and was cute in an offbeat way, so I was sort of disturbed to see him hacked to bits onstage (WARNING: Do not take acid and see GWAR. Your head will explode). I've vowed to go see them again, and next time, I'm getting pink (Explanation: GWAR sprays a lot of fake blood into the audience, whom mainly wears white, on purpose. At the end of the set, I noticed all these hard core metal guys wearing pink gear, which was surreal in itself). I found the now pink-clad and wet boys, and we spent the rest of the afternoon just sitting and chilling and listening to some pretty good music. Strapping Young Lad, Opeth and Clutch were also unbelievable. All in all it was worth every penny of the $30 fee and having to work the Fourth of July in compensation for taking the day off.

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