Thursday, January 09, 2003

I've decided to adopt a new philosophy when I work. I was, up this afternoon, going the distance for our patients, calling around, doing research for them. However...well, it seems that people ask the most utterly stupid, random questions you could imagine. So, I've decided to simply offer over the phone suggestions, then let them do their own legwork. It'll save me some quality time, plus I have a reputation of slightly above average intelligence to uphold, and if I continue to be the advocate for them, it will be flushed down the crapper. If you do call our office, please note the following:

1) If any other doctor other than Dr. C calls you back, chances are, it's bad dermatology news. Not that Dr. C is the Jolly Clown of Good News, it's because she's really independent and a bit of a perfectionist, so she prefers to call the patients herself. I'm down wif it.

2) Any other doctor does not want to talk to you.

3) The office does not know off the top of it's head whether or not the Providence of Quebec outlaws a certain acne drug (we actually got this question today). Call the Canadian Embassy, and if there are any special instructions, let us know. We'll be happy to help you. We stand on guard for thee.

4) Don't call us at 4:30PM asking for a prescription refill. Ain't gonna happen for 24 hours.

5) Please follow all instructions. Chances are, if you have a question about the way a medication is taken, it will be answered if you just read the instructions.

6) Common sense on your part guarantees a successful dermatological outcome on our part.

7) In dermatology, there is no emergency. I repeat: In. Dermatology. There. Is. No. Emergency. Again, I will say: In dermatology, there is no emergency. Unless it's melanoma. That's a bitch. But it's still something that can wait til 8:30 AM the next business day. Trust me. Go to the ER and tell them you have melanoma and want prompt admittance for treatment on the oncology floor. They will laugh in your face, call you an ungrateful asshole and tell you the oncologists have bigger, better cancers to deal with. Sure, it's harsh. But it's how it is, because in dermatology, (let's say it again, class) there are no emergencies.

8) If you ignore these rules, or the laws of common sense, or your gut intuition, the staff of our office reserves the right to make fun of you. Behind your back.

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