Saturday, January 15, 2005

So, LJ is down due to a massive power failure. I feel like I've been cut off from my friends!

John and I have been thinking seriously about finally setting a date. We're right now thinking April of 2006, but, like Wrestlemania, please note that the card is subject to change. (It probably won't though...:D)

I realize I gush about my wedding a lot. Oh no. I've become...ONE OF THEM!!!!
I tried not to let it happen! Cynicism fading...oh no, sappiness setting in!!!


I tuned into Oxygen Channel's Real Wedding From The Knot (yeah, you can guess where this is going) and watched two and 1/3 episodes before the nausea set in. The first one was a bit sappy, it was about Jen and Jeff, she cried a lot, and he was on Fear Factor, but other than that it was a pretty much cookie cutter wedding. The third episode I didn't even finish watching the opening credits, but it featured a blonde bride who gleefully squealed "Let's get wasted!" while slugging down a mimosa in the hair salon seat as she was getting her hair done. Her maid of honor expressed concern that stolen golf carts and body shots would be the highlights of the reception. She described the bride as "the craziest woman I've ever met."

The second episode featured a bride who stupidly gave out her full name. Her name is AMY THOMPSON. Again, her name was AMY THOMPSON. Remember that name when you have spam to forward. The reason why I don't like AMY THOMPSON is because she was an absolute uber-beatch bridezilla. Some of the features in the episode:
1) Storming out on the priest because he wouldn't allow the couple to read the vows they wrote vs. the actual sacrament of marriage. Seriously, you simply don't go there with the Catholic Church- it's all written out for ya. One stop shopping. No variations. AMY THOMPSON then was shown sitting outside crying stating "I've always wanted my wedding at the Catholic Church." I have a feeling AMY THOMPSON doesn't really go to church, because even Bridget, my 7 year-old cousin, knows the order of worship at a Catholic Nuptual Mass.

2) Cussing at her mother, calling her an "idiot," because the flip-flops in the guest's gift basket were supposed to have little flowers sewn on them, but since AMY THOMPSON procrastinated, they weren't. "It's MY Wedding" she screeched, "all I ask of YOU PEOPLE (her parents and bridesmaids) is to just do it MY WAY!" No one reminded AMY THOMPSON that it was she, not them, who was to blame because they were fixing things at the last minute.

3) Held up the wedding ceremony for 45 minutes because she hated her bouquet. She then called the wedding coordinator and cussed at her, because her flowers were not roses, and her mother's bouquet was not made of gardenias. I would have loved to have been at that wedding, gone up to AMY THOMPSON in the receiving line and told her "you know, everything was really nice, but those flowers, sheeesh! It basically just ruined your wedding, honestly, a pigeon coulda crapped on your dress, and it wouldn't hold a candle to those flowers!" and watched her beautifully coiffed veiled head explode.

4) When her father pointed out to her that she was running late, she screamed at him that he was unsympathetic and unsupportive, then told him she could walk down the aisle by herself.

5) Then after all that, had the audacity to ask her mother for a kiss before the walk down the aisle (she did walk with her dad).

4) Barked at her father and mother not to move during pictures until she told them to.

5) The only time she talked to her fiancee, Mark, during the show was when she was reading the wedding vows to him. The fiancee was never really interviewed, came off looking like a total puss, and prompted me to scream during the ceremony scene "Don't do it Mark! You can get out of this. Just run, run, run!"

6) Her wedding reception included an upstate NY mansion and a fireworks display.

7) Excused her bad behavior by saying "for anyone whose feelings I've hurt during this, I'm so sorry, but a bride's gotta do what a bride's gotta do."

Oh. My. God.

Okay, these shows are edited, and chances are, AMY THOMPSON is probably a really nice person who just was overzealous about her big day being perfect. Chances are, her guests would not notice most of the little snafus that took place, because no one really notices those types of things. Anyway, what concerned me was that I never once saw AMY THOMPSON really happy, or smiling. Sure, she teared up when she read her vows to poor Mark, but she was never shown interacting with him at all, never turning to him for support. In fact, he was the only one she didn't yell at. It makes me wonder if AMY THOMPSON just didn't care about him at all, the only reason she was hanging out with him was because he was attached to a ring. I seriously doubt this marriage will last, given what I've seen.

So, in light of that:

To my Beloved Groom: John, I love you more than I love my Sex and The City DVDs. And I know that planning a wedding can be stressful and frustrating. Should I act in the way AMY THOMPSON did on her wedding, you have my permission to take me by my shoulders, look deep into my eyes and bellow," Hon, don't be That Knot bride. Don't be that Knot Bride!"

To FiFi: Mommy loves you very much. Please pee on things and make me laugh when Mommy starts acting like AMY THOMPSON.

To Marian, Leslie, Kelly B., Kelly C., Bridget, Karen, Kristen and Shannon: My beautiful Honor Attendants. I love you guys so much. Please, if I act like AMY THOMPSON, you have my permission to beat me up in the parking lot after the ceremony, and/or not tell me if there's a stain on the butt of my dress right before I'm supposed to walk down the aisle.

To my parents: Mommy and Daddy, you both are the best. Slap the shite out of me if I ever act like AMY THOMPSON. Mom, any help is really appreciated. Dad, I never want to walk alone if I have the chance to walk with you. I love you both.

To AMY THOMPSON (If you're reading this): Please don't send me any hate mail, because, AMY THOMPSON, you did me a favor. You really helped me put things in perspective. I will not be worrying about flip-flops and gardenias at my wedding, because I really don't want to be like you. As I said, I'm only commenting on what I saw, and I didn't really like it. Prozac is a wonderful drug, AMY THOMPSON, you might want to consider it. If the editing was biased, which I am willing to believe that it was, you should consider suing The Knot. They made you look like a big greedy bitch. Good luck in your marriage, and be nicer to Mark than you are to your parents. Because AMY THOMPSON, unlike your parents, he can divorce you.

In the meantime, I'm stayin' away from The Knot. I like Indiebride a lot better. Instead of saying it's okay to be AMY THOMPSON, they advocate that it's okay to make fun of her. And a bride's gotta have some stress relief, nes pais??

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