Friday, February 18, 2005

Daredevil in a nutshell (no, not one of my favorites)
DISCLAMER: My review is most likely as offensive as this movie was:

Kid Daredevil grows up in Hell's Kitchen, has a boxer dad, and while one day visiting said dad at work, has an accident where gunk is sprayed into his eyes, Kid Daredevil goes blind, has tearful Hallmark Network scene with dad on devastating blindness, then life goes on. While waiting for dad after a fight, kid is privy to hearing thugs beat the bejesus outta his dad, killing him. Skip ahead, skip ahead, kid has grown into Ben Affleck, is now a blind lawyer hunk with superpowers who hangs around with Jon Favereau, then cut to Colin Ferrell as Drunken Irish Villian Dude, Colin Ferrell gets on a plane, chokes a nice old lady who was talking his ear off during the flight (so not funny), Ben meets Jennifer Garner, she attempts to kick his ass, then he makes it rain on them, they make out, then everyone goes to a party where Ben looks fine, Favreau talks a lot, Joe Panteliano plays the same guy from Hoboken he plays in every movie (Fuck you Sinatra!) disses them, and Garner shows up in a dress that puts her chenubees on full display, and they dance (Ben and Garner dance, not the chenubees...sorry horny teen boys. :D) . A guy drives a motorcycle, they tell a story about Garner's mom getting killed (there is more parenticide than in Bambi and Fox and The Hound combined!), dude on motorcycle swerves in and out of traffic, avoiding cabs. He stand up on the motorcycle and throws something at a car full of insignificant dudes that goes through the windshield and cuts the throat of the driver. Yuck. Guy on motorcycle falls off, has face off with Colin Ferrell, who throws a baton which spears Garner's father bullseye in the chest (Run Bambi, run!) Garner gets her Golden Globe scene as she sobs over the corpse of her dad. Ben is frustrated, so he trashes his room and howls in anguish (HIS Golden Globe moment). Coolio portrays the stereotypical African American in every movie. Sad vagina music over the scene of Garner's daddy's funeral. Ben and Garner talk to each other like an Eternity ad. John says that the director's cut edited out the sex scene that made it into theaters; it's been deemed "unnecessary" (yeah, it's okay to snuff the supporting cast to skeleton crew status, but free love is deemed "unnecessary"). More rain. I can't believe how big and puffy Garner's lips are. Some guy with a pacemaker gets in a car with Daredevil Ben and lets him know there are guys willing to make him into nachos. Favreau flirts with his receptionist, who looks like Carmen Electra- and she points out something crucial to the plot. Luckly, Kevin Smith comes by and plays a coroner with funny glasses- his character's name is Jack Kirby, named after the great Marvel man. Kevin Smith is a great friggin actor. He deserves the Golden Globe! More vagina music as Garner does her Lara Croft training impersonation. Some guy intrudes (voyerism??) and she goes Matrix on him, surprise, it's Daredevil Ben, and I think this means she has to go and fight Colin Ferrell and they do the "Stay Alive!" scene from Last of The Mohicains (fuck you and your left foot, Day-Lewis!) while still talking the Eternity ad lingo. Fight scene, fight scene, fight scene. Garner gets snuffed. Ben's pissed, so Colin Ferrell gets stigmata on his fine foxy hands before getting every bone broken in his hot bod, then there's a showdown between Ben and Michael Clarke Duncan as Pulp Fiction's Marcellus Wallace (fuck you, Tarantino!)who, after all that, Ben just walks away, allowing the police to apprehend the villian. Violence doesn't discriminate. It sneaks up on you, kicks you in the crotch. Animal cruety alert- Colin kills a fly. Bad cinema! Ben spouts off some prose-y tripe about how he watches in the darkness, a guardian devil in a strangely feminine outfit. Ben and Garner Resurrected and Daredevil go on to become the next Bennifer in real life. Garner gets her own comic snuff film that tanks equally. Credits roll.

John says I gotta give props because this kept it real- gritty and dark, not the Titanic with tights and capes like a sappy love story, unlike another comic movie that shall remain nameless (Fuck you, Tobey!) And Kevin Smith is fun in his cameo. And Colin Ferrell, well, he's friggin adorable despite being Drunken Irish Villian Dude. BUT WHY THE FUDGIN FART DO YOU LET THE VILLIAN JUST WALK THE FUDGIN FART AWAY??? Um, I thought superheroes didn't need the fuzz? In fact, I think the reason why they crop up in a cit-ay is because the villian is so bad ass that the cops are overpowered? Why reward the failures? Are we concerned about the cops self-esteem? No! After killin and killin and killin, we are just let down with, "hey man, you better not leave this room, because the police are coming, and even though I have immortal superpowers that could melt your face and cause you agonizing pain, but instead, I'm gonna let the cops come in and handcuff you! Take that, evildoer!

So yeah, not my favorite. But, maybe you'll like it.

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