Sunday, May 08, 2005

Black Label Beatch

Sigh. I'm in love.

With Zakk Wylde.

Oh, don't get your shorts in a bunch, people. I adore and am passionately in love with my fiancee, John, not only because he totally rocks my world and spent most of his Saturday helping me work on my mom's Mother's Day gift, and he's a candidate for sainthood because he has the cojones to put up with yours truly on a regular basis. In fact, it was John who turned me onto Zakk and his band, Black Label Society, ever since we started dating. Chances are, you've seen my man sportin some wicked lookin' tees featuring skulls and the letters SDMF on them. Chances are, if you are like moi, you're a bit perplexed and perhaps a bit ill at ease to see a large man with such allegedly threatening clothing. But once you've shaken the initial image, sat down with a copy of Black Label's DVD, cracked open a Pabst Blue Ribbon, and let yourself be taken, you can completely understand where I'm coming from.

First off, Zakk's a beautiful, talented, passionate man. Those eyes. That long blonde hair. The muscles. The man is friggin eye candy! Hate to sound crude here, ladies, but it's more dick than Sears on a Sunday. The WWE boys got nothin on The Legend (although Edge says that he and Zakk are good buds--bonus points!). My mom most likely would love him because he's a Yankees fan, so no worries there. He's honest and seriously lacking in pretention. His interviews are awesome to read, funny as hell.

Not to mention he plays guitar like no one else I've ever seen. The BLS DVD contains a concert from Detroit, and it's spellbinding. Besides needing a good hosedown at the end because of Zakk's masculine sex appeal, you are also satiated because the music is perfect. Zakk was hand-picked at age 19 to play with Ozzy Osbourne, and he's one of the most skilled guitarists in the world (and yet those fuckers at Rolling Stone kept him off the Best Guitarist list...blasphemy!). And yet, he's not a pompous ass like some would expect. Quite the contrary- there are many many fan accounts of encounters with Zakk, and the general consensus is that he's one of the nicest famous dudes ever. (just don't piss him off, as one radio DJ in St. Louis did, when he asked Zakk if he and pal Mike Piazza, who at the time was being falsely outed as gay by the mainstream media, had "ever hooked up." Zakk ended the interview and slammed his fist on the guy's recorder, threatening to do bodily harm to the guy. Although I don't condone violence, if you listen to the interview [John has it saved on his computer], you can easily hear that the doofus had it coming to him. You just don't go there with Zakk Wylde.)

Getting back to my fabulous fiancee, John, the man who started this little obsession for me. You may think that John's actions were about as wise as Matt Hardy introducing Lita to his good buddy Edge, but fret not, this bride will not bolt into Zakk's awaiting tattooed muscular arms. Zakk's been happily married to the very lucky Barbaranne for sometime now, and she's so awesomely bad-ass that Zakk lovingly refers to her as "The Warden." He also has three kids, two of which I've seen pictures of, and they share his tow-headed looks, as well as his musical prowess. A bonus feature on the DVD is "3 Minutes With Rae Rae," a home video of Zakk and his pre-school aged daughter singing his original song "Thank You Child." Folks, it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen, and I'm a full-time Disney bitch.

So, although you can't borrow my copy (actually it's John's, but I'm kidnapping it. Sorry, Hon.), get wise and grab a copy of the Black Label Society DVD for your next fiesta. Also, you can get your Zakk fix on by watching Rock Star (he has a bit part as a guitarist), VH1's "The Least Metal Moments of All Time" (here's where the honesty and fun interviews reign surpreme. His take on the whole Celine Dion cover of "You Shook Me All Night Long" is priceless.) and a Very Special Episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Shake and Zakk write an alternative to "Happy Birthday." Get to know Zakk and his work, and spread the love to your peers, and people will think you are smart, cool, and a bit of a bad-ass. Plus, anywhere Black Label's at, John and I will be there, and you'll be so lucky to have such cool friends.

Wow. Maybe I should have taped that special appearance Wylde made on NHL2Night for ya (Zakk was playing while the old Washington rink was destroyed in the background).

I knew he was a baseball fan, and that he's really athletic, but I didn't know he liked hockey too. Sigh. He's so awesome!
Yeah....he's soooo dream....Uhh, I mean. Fuck yeah! Black Label kicks fuckin' ass! Limp Biskit Still sucks cock!

Society. Dwelling. Mother. Fucker.
Doom Crew Inc.
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