Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Bad News Bearkiller: The Story of Little Horvis Jones

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody. Along with a small donation from my family to Maymont Park in memory of the bears, I write this article, a la The Onion, of my interpretation of the events stemming from last weekend's incident at Maymont Park, in which the two black bears had to be euthanized because of blatant stupidity. The child's name and extent of his person have not been released, nor have the identities of his parents. I am making a lot of this story up. If you feel the need to sue me, fuck off. Thank you.



Bad News Bearkiller: The Story of "Little" Horvis Jones


Hitler. Pol Pot. Saddam Hussein. Paris Hilton.

To the city of Richmond, Virginia, a new name is added to that list: Horvis Jones.

Four-year old Horvis is in the middle of a tragic scandal involving the euthanization of two adorable black bears that reside in Richmond's Maymont Park.

The larger-than-average (three foot four, 96 pound) Horvis now knows the sick twist of fame. And still he's too young for Kindergarden. He sits with this writer on his couch in his family's home in Richmond. Flanked by his parents, Frito and Bebe Jones, Horvis said he wanted to be like his hero, Dora The Explorer, and go on "an adventure," he explains as he shoots a pudgy finger inside his left nostril.

On Saturday, with his father distracted, allegedly smoking crack nearby, four year old Horvis amazingly scaled the four foot wall of Maymont's 2 acre black bear exhibit, and approached the 10-foot chain-link fence that surrounds the bears.

According to an eyewitness, a Ms. Melina DeJesus, "the big fat kid told his papa he was going to pet the bears. The dad then said, "okay Horvis, whatever, man." The kid then stuck his hand through the fence. The bear came up and first licked him, then bit down. The kid then made a sound like a pig. His dad just sat there. He was smoking the crack, so he didn't know what was going on."

The bite, which broke the skin, sent Horvis to the emergency room of a local hospital, where he was seen by pediatrician Dr. Arwin Egglestein.

"Holy sh-t! That kid was only four years old? I thought he was at least ten! Anyway, the bite did break the skin, but no stitches were required. I think it's bullsh-t what they did to the bears!" Dr. Egglestein explained when contacted for comment.

The animals, named Chompy and Maulie, were sedated and given a lethal injection around midday after Maymont officials met behind closed doors for nearly three hours with representatives from the Virginia Department of Health and the Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries.

"It's devastating," said a teary Susan Allmond, senior zoologist who has cared for the bears for six years. "Part of our family is gone. I'm never going to get over it. They've been ripped from us."

Chompy and Maulie have spent approximately their entire lives as members of the Maymont Family. Maulie, aged 9, arrived at Maymont a tiny little snuggly cub. The bears spent their days entertaining hundreds of thousands of children and families over the years.

Both bears, ages 12 and 9, were euthanized because it was not known which one bit the boy. The bears were interrogated for several hours, but no leads arose. Maymont officials said.

There is no rabies vaccine for bears and no rabies test that can be administered to a live animal. Brain tissue from both bears will be tested at the state lab.

Should either come back positive, the city health department will notify the Jones family and Horvis will undergo a series of six shots in his ample rump over 28 days. Without treatment, rabies is almost always fatal.

But that is the least of Horvis' problems right now. The backlash in the city is becoming ugly. The local newspaper, The Richmond Times Dispatch, has been flooded with cilivian editorials, calling for the shots to be administed to Horvis anyway, because "he sucks and helped kill bears." Web sites like Rotten.com have internet savs calling for Horvis' euthanization, as well as the lethal-injection laden demise of Frito and Bebe as alleged co-perpetrators in the serial bear killing. Neighbors are now referring to the child as the "Bad News Bearkiller."

Horvis has been asked to leave the preschool he attends. Sarah Jane Relliman, principal of The Happy Bunny Academy, felt it would be in Horvis' best interests.

"We had to tell the kids today that there would be no field trip to Maymont to see the bears, because Horvis and his dad killed them. The children began sobbing, some had to have extra doses of their Ritalin. The older children are angry. We question Horvis' safety at this point."

"He's a stupid boogersnot!" exclaims classmate Madison Ryland, who then buried her head in her mother's skirt.

"Actually, it's a step up from what people used to call him," says Bebe Jones. Along with the new nickname of "Bad News Bearkiller," and Madison Ryland's inflicted moniker of "Stupid Boogersnot," Horvis' aliases include "Augustus Gloop," "Horvis The Hut" "Lard Toddler," "The Stay Puff Marshmallow Kid," and "Just Wrong."

When asked about his son's well-being, Frito Jones, blowing a smoke ring from a questionable looking pipe apparatus had this to say:
"I really like smoking crack."

As time passes, and charges are filed (the family could face multiple counts of child endangerment, bear endangement, bear molestation, tresspassing, and various game violations- but strangely, no drug possession charges) Horvis will try to live as normal life as possible.

"I'm gonna go eat pop tart and watch Dora The Explorer," he says as he gets up from the couch and waddles into the adjoining room. His parents smile and watch his jiggly body bounce away.

"He's my little lamb chop. Such a good boy," says Bebe Jones.

As for the city Richmond, like the Celine Dion song, they will try to allow their hearts to go on, and to bask in the memory of Chompy and Maulie, and the many smiles they have given over the 10 or so years they lived peacefully in capitivity.

"I'm gonna miss those damn bears," twenty year old park patron Matt Dosier said, as tears welled in his eyes. When asked if he had any words for the four-year-old responsible for their demise, his brow furrowed and he said bitterly, "I don't care if he's four, if I ever see that kid, I'm gonna atomically wedgie him until he can taste his underwear in the back of his throat!"

Maymont will hold a candlelight vigil for both bears on Saturday at noon. (WRITERS NOTE: THIS PART IS TRUE)
It is unsure if the Jones family will attend.

Donations are being accepted in memory of the bears, as well as for charities supporting cures for childhood obesity and various foster child placement programs.

Comments:
As outraged as I am by a dumbass parent and child combo in our local news, the Onion parody is effin' brilliant.

What I don't understand is this: Just what part of the many, many signs posted near the bear habitat (within clear view of visitors and in big, easy to read text) did the idiot parent and child NOT comprehend? Or are they blind? Or perhaps not English-speaking? Or are they just that *bleepin'* dimwitted???
 
Wow, Jenn, you outdid yourself! Bravo!

And kudos on the donation in their memory; think I might follow your lead on that one.
 
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