Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Acceptance...

I have a big problem.

The problem has become so big, it's made my life unmanagable. The problem is like a big amoeba, and it consists of a bunch of little problems that have morphed together into one big blob of a problem.

I have allowed myself to be used. I have allowed myself to become addicted to drama. I have spent many days and many nights going out, tending to someone elses needs, coming home exhilerated, like a junkie going out to get their fix. I've done this again and again, and have allowed myself to think that I was being helpful. I have done this to fill a void in my life that has been there for a long time. I have been living for others for so long, I've lost myself. Honestly, I sit down and try to identify myself. I come up blank. I cannot remember who I was. It was as if one day, I woke up, and realized, I was married, I was someone who had stuff to do. I had a life. And that life is amazing, and my husband is amazing, but there was too much other stuff for so long that made its way into our lives. Dysfunctional people, dysfunctional systems, dysfunctional past lives, have come in and sat their fat arses down in between us, on top of us, behind us poking us in the back, and demanded our attention.

These past few weeks, I have looked around at all the stuff. I've taken steps to elimate the dysfunction. It's not easy, because dysfunction doesn't seem to take a hint really well. It doesn't listen to you. It's not one that you can necessarily be nice to. You have to treat it like you treat the drunk obnoxious guy with the mullet who won't leave your bar at last call. Sometimes you have to grab dysfunction by said mullet and toss dysfunction out the door. You have to get mad, get sad, cry, shout, and stand up to dysfunction. You have to stay one step ahead of dysfunction in order to cut it off at the pass- keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, as one may say. Dysfunction is a real big beatch.

So, that's what I'm trying to do. And boy, I can't believe all the stuff I found when I started telling dysfunction to take a hike. I found out:

I have allowed myself to gain 60 pounds in two years.

I am cheating myself by using guilt and shame as my only motivators.

I have not listened to my gut and my heart for so long, I forgot they existed.

I am lying to myself that everything is fine.

I wear masks to hide the pain, the frustration, the emotions.

I have allowed myself to influence others looking to me for guidance to perhaps do the same, using the same hazardous behaviors.

I have a big problem that I need to solve.

I have a beautiful, wonderful, special life that has a special purpose.

I want to stop worrying, controlling, abusing, harping, neglecting, hating, hurting, sniping, grumping, crying, yelling, kicking, screaming, existing, fearing, cursing, wasting, lying and dying and start loving, caring, playing, focusing, dancing, sleeping, running, laughing, nourishing, enriching, skipping, hopping, jumping, expressing, meditating, concentrating, pontificating, and living.

I leave this ugly place today. I start now. I go forward. I seek the help I need and deserve in various obvious and not-so-obvious forms. I give to myself the best gift I can. I give myself everything I deserve. I give myself back to myself.

My name is Jenn, and I am a codependent.

Comments:
*hugs*

The journey you're taking is a beautiful and really hard one - and you're right, letting dysfunction go doesn't come easy. I know I've fought it at several points in my life. I'd say it never gets easier, but it does. Like with anything, you learn the tools, and you learn how to navigate the path, and it gets easier.

You totally need to read The Artist's Way, if you haven't ordered it already. It changed my life the first time I read it, when I was at a very similar point you were.

Lastly, even though it's time to move on, you did do wonderful work in your job. Not many people can do that work, and you can't discount the kindness and compassion you brought to it.
 
Thank you!!! It's so nice to hear that!

John has been wonderful about it too. Thanks hon!
 
You know I love you no matter what.
 
I love you too!
 
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