Thursday, February 22, 2007

We can rebuild her. We have the technology.

Shaving her head, mucho partay-ing and a now three time attempt to stay in Rehab.

Britney's not punk, she's metal!

Anyhoo, now seems the perfect time for my new favorite pop tart (Mandy Moore has been knocked to second place) to get a new groove. It seems like the old gang has grown stale and definately neglectful of our girl. If anyone has been to a metal show, one knows it's a big goofy brotherhood where people watch each others backs. (That is, if it's good metal.) Soooo, I've been kicking around this idea for a couple of days, and by God, I think it could work. Here's my Metal Dream Team for Britney so she can become longer, stronger and faster!

NEW MOM: Mia Farrow. Mia's a power mom, having raised and adopted some 19 kids, and most of them live nice, well adjusted lives. Mia would be gentle and patient with Brit as she works through her issues. Also, Mia knows what it's like to divorce and come out on top, so she's a good mentor. Also, wouldn't you love it to have a mom who made Rosemary's Baby?!

NEW MANAGER: Sharon Osborne. Sharon's a mover, a shaker, a money maker. Sharon makes tragedy into gold roses and scented pink toilet paper. Sharon's the woman to help Britney make the biggest music makeover in rock history. BritFest anyone? Sharon will help!

NEW LABEL: Relapse. Little label that can do.

NEW ALBUM TITLE: Britney: I AM Nancy Spungeon. This one's not for the kiddies. Brit can go to a really dark place here, a place many older angsters can relate to.

NEW VIDEO: Cover of Fozzy's "Enemy" (This would be cool. She could sing it to the paparazzi and the radio stations! And in the video, she hits things with bats and burns down stuff. With her bald head, she'll be Ass Kickin Britney!

NEW BAND: The guys from Alabama Thunderpussy. I don't think they'd actually do it,'d be so cool.

NEW BFF: Jennifer Hudson, Claire Bennet, Kelly Osbourne, Parker Posey, PJ Harvey, Maria Bamford, The Donnas, Jessica Alba, My sister Shannon and her friend Becky, Meg White, Tess Sweet, Kathleen Hanna, Missy Elliot, The Powerpuff Girls, Gwen Stefani, Gretchen Blieler, Amy Dumas, Juliette Lewis, Anna Paquin and of course, Ms. Mandy Moore. Who needs a Hilton hag when you can have the creme de la creme of strong female empowerment right here! Brits new posse will build her up but gently kick her arse if she screws up.

NEW OLDER HIP FEMALE MENTORS: Nancy Sinatra, Robin McGraw, Farrah Fawcett, Gloria Steinham, Candace Bergen, Phyllis Diller, Sandra Bernhard, Ms. Marvel, Oprah, Janet Jackson, The Fabulous Moolah, Betty Dodson, and Ann and Nancy Wilson. Brit can't really surround herself with any old weirdos at this time. These are just good olde girls who have taken some hard knocks as well, and came out singing (and making good money to boot)!

NEW REQUIRED READING LIST: BUST Magazine, Backlash by Susan Faludi, Wonder Woman comics, Between Boyfriends by Cindy Chupack and Me by Katherine Hepburn


NEW HOBBIES WHILE SHE DETOXES: Stitch N Bitch club, Jump Rope, Eliptical training, Snowboarding

NEW BOY TOY: Kyle Thomas. We know. Brit should wait at least 6 months to a year before getting involved with any dude. But when it's time, Kyle would be a great choice. He's such a hottie onstage, I can't imagine what he's like in private. (And unfortunately, my husband says I'm not even allowed to do that either).

NEW PLATONIC MALE FRIENDS: Marilyn Manson, Patton Oswalt, Elton John, Kevin Smith, Josh Homme, Scott Ian, Eugene Mirman, Brian Posehn, Henry Rollins, Lemmy, Beck, John Cusack, Zakk Wylde, Slash, Dee Snider, Jack Black, Pepper Keenan, Vinnie Paul and Bob Harper (who can also double as NEW TRAINER). These are the boys to hug when you need one, and you don't have to worry about them making a grab for one of your twins (except for Vinnie, but he grabs EVERYONE'S boobs). Plus, lots of these guys are functionally married, so Brit can hang out with their wives as well!

Don't know about you, but I can't wait!

You forget one thing, Jenn: the chick's got no discernable talent (musically speaking).
Zero. Zip. Nada.
While I'm sick of hearing all the tawdry crap about the human screwup known as Britney Spears, it's her hideous stage-mommy who should exit the scene. Anyone who pimps out their own little girl to sleazy so-called "entertainment execs" should be thrown in jail to rot...or worse.
Wow, I never thought I would be defending Britney Spears, but I think the girl does have quite a lot of talent. OK, well maybe not since she went crackers, but at one time she could sing and perform. I am no way a fan of the style of music she performs, but like her there are other musicians and bands out there that I can't stand genre wise, but do think that they are talented musically speaking. There are a lot of other bands and performers in the spotlight these days that I would say have no discernable talent before Britney. 90% of the current crap on MTV and the radio comes to mind. But I do agree, stage parents are some of the lowest scum in the entertainment business.
This is a very late comment posted by Jenn

The thing that helps make great art is the life of the artist. Vermeer, Michaelangelo, John Lennon, Keats, Piccasso- they channelled their environment into their art. It helped strengthen their projects. Britney can look at this time as her blue period? She could record the pop equivalent of Girl With A Pearl Earring?
I think so.
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